Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

My work here is don’t.

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.