Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

stand with me against insufficient seating

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

☠️ ☠️

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?