Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

LMAO

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
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.

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser