Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

Saturday

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

ME (calling my horse with no name):

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

I’m already scared

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE