“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
No, you’re not getting it your honor
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.