“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking