“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
You Might Also Like
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
what does he know…
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words