“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
You Might Also Like
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*