“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
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The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!