“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
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“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Brands during Pride
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING