Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

War & Peace

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!