Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

I pray every night that I never become religious…

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

Received some very disappointing news today

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

No flush

The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

I want what they have

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.