“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
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Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision