Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE