“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Last-minute gift idea!
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I鈥檓 sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
This will teach them to underestimate me
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 馃槀
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I鈥檓 on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
