“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
hand it over!
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
