piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
You Might Also Like
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.