And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
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Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
rest in peas
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.