And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
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watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
kids play hide and seek like
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
