“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
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Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.