“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
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I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?