Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

need a new bf mines broken 😐

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

*performs CPR on the turkey*

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does