Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

Haha! 😂

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it