Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

*frowns in Scottish*

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur