“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
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Yes
☠️ ☠️
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
“How’s your day going?”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.