“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
You Might Also Like
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
the saddest jazz hands ever
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020