Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

Close call…

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

Something Saturday.

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.