Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

…..pretty much.