Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.