“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
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You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
smh
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Seems kinda suspicious
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there