Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.