“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
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I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
But that’s none of my business
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids