Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

With all the fake information out there I refuse to believe scales or mirrors.

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

hmm conte-me mais

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey