And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
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Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.
bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazyOrdered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.