Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown