And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
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My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.