Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,