…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
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Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.