Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

what

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.