Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.