Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.