Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?