And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
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Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.