And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
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[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Looking at you, Jesus.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.