“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
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Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
Story time
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.