Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

When your parents check you’re ok.

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

Make me look younger

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.