Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

We cut our bangs at dawn.

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please