“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
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How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Sing it!
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there