“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
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eating my hot dog hamburger style
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc