Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.