“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
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Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.