“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
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Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak