Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita