“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
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A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.