Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

Me, reading some of your tweets

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

New Tinder profile.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,