“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
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what is cheese if not milk persevering
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
