“and you are November’s PM yes?”
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[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Wise advice
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah