“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
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If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Don’t tell me what to do
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.