“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
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Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner