“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
You Might Also Like
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.