Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

[canadians at you, canadianly]

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

dutch is not a serious language

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off