And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
