Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

I only treason on days ending in y

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

@ candidates for local office

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered