And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
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9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.