And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
You Might Also Like
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.