And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
You Might Also Like
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Now colored!
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
The French cow says MEUX…
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*