And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
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best review i’ve ever seen
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile