*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
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At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.