“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
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If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Stop
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Who needs an Air Fryer?
who did the taste test?
