….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
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“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Dead
Alive
Other✔
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
No flush
same energy
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Uh oh…
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.