Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

I’m good, thanks.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.