And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
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I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
one last job
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.