Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

Artwork by Herta Burbe

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”