Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

the battle rages on

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice