Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

i hate you platonically

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

😂🥴

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

I only say stupid things when I talk.

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.