Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

A gym so fancy they call it a James.