[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
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Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Where is your GOD now????
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.