Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
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It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Otters see a butterfly.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”