Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
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Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Hey I worked for it too!
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
