ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
#TopTip
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*