Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
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Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?