Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
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Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
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*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”